Is Your Tendency to People Please at Work Actually a Trauma Response?
Many of us are sometimes guilty of people-pleasing, especially as we navigate the workplace’s political and sometimes even fraught environment. For those of us who move towards people-pleasing, we know that this can be detrimental to our boundaries, mental health, relationships, and even overall career success.
As a recovering people pleaser myself, it can be easy to slide into a mentality of “I just have to stop doing this” or “Why am I like this” and loop into a cycle of self-blame and doubt. Thinking ‘why can’t I get past this people-pleasing behavior”
What if I told you, your people-pleasing may be showing up for you at work (and beyond) as a trauma response?
Some of you may see this and think, yes, that makes complete sense. And some of you may be a bit skeptical. Both responses are legitimate and I hope regardless of your initial reaction you read on.
The Fawn Response
Most of us have heard of the concept of ‘Fight or Flight’ as a common automatic response to perceived threats. But there are more ways we respond to potential threats, including the Fawn response which is closely connected to people-pleasing behavior.
In his book, “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving,” therapist and survivor, Pete Walker coined the concept and term ‘fawning’ as a trauma response. So what exactly is a Fawn response?
Walker describes it as follows on his website: “Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of others. They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences, and boundaries. They often begin life like the precocious children described in Alice Miler’s The Drama Of The Gifted Child, who learn that a modicum of safety and attachment can be gained by becoming the helpful and compliant servants of their parents.”
In summary, fawning is a way to create safety not by fighting or fleeing, but by mirroring what is perceived as the expectations, desires, and demands of others.
Sounds a lot like people pleasing, doesn’t it?
Some examples of how ‘fawning’ behavior shows up include:
Trouble saying no or setting healthy boundaries in relationships
Constantly seeking approval
Worrying too much about other people’s needs
Not feeling like you understand your own needs and preferences
Turning to others to determine how you feel in a relationship or situation
Finding it difficult to identify and understand your feelings
Frequently feeling afraid of how others will react
Trying to control others’ decisions to feel emotionally safe
Experiencing guilt when you’re upset with others and immediately blaming yourself
When there is conflict, your initial instinct is to “appease” the angry person
Ignoring your own needs, preferences, thoughts, and feelings to please others
Shapeshifting your needs depending on others’ moods
A few important caveats are warranted here- just because someone is engaging in people-pleasing behavior doesn’t automatically mean they’ve experienced trauma.
It’s always important that we let people own and share their own stories and experiences. It’s also important that we never attempt to diagnose or treat trauma in the workplace.
What Causes a Fawn Response?
The “fawn response” typically emerges in individuals who have faced ongoing traumatic situations, rather than one-time events. It’s often linked with childhood, relational, and complex traumas, such as persistent partner abuse. The challenges escalate when this complex trauma intertwines with collective traumas, for example, the COVID-19 pandemic.
This pattern can also surface in teenagers and young adults dealing with strained or dysfunctional family dynamics. In environments where shame or shaming is common, individuals may feel compelled to adopt specific behaviors to avoid mistreatment or to fulfill their caregivers’ emotional demands.
f parents or caregivers are abusive, controlling, or emotionally distant, it hampers the development of a healthy emotional connection. This may cause an individual to disconnect from their own emotions, focusing instead on understanding and appeasing their caregivers’ distress, or ‘fawning.’
This behavior can often involve “parentification” of a child and forming codependent relationships not just with their caregivers but with others in their lives.
For individuals coping with long-term psychological trauma or complex PTSD, any perceived threat might trigger a reflexive fawning response as a means of self-protection.
What Can I Do About People Pleasing or ‘Fawning’?
First, if you feel you might be people-pleasing or ‘fawning’ because of experiences with trauma, I highly recommend you seek professional help. A credentialed therapist can help you work through your experiences and responses. I also know finding mental health care can be challenging both because of cost and availability. If you are interested in alternative options, Zeera is also a great, on-demand resource for mental health support.
When you are ready to consider the impacts of your people-pleasing behavior at work, I recommend focusing on one thing to get better at concerning your people-pleasing behavior. Recruit support from your leader, a mentor, or a trusted peer. It might be working on saying ‘no’ when you can’t take on more work or a request is out of scope. Change is a process, set goals, have someone hold you accountable, and build from there.
If you aren’t engaging in people-pleasing behavior, but you might see it in your organization as a leader or mentor, there are actions you can take as well. While we aren’t here to diagnose or treat trauma, leaders within organizations are responsible for developing our team members and helping them be successful. People-pleasing tendencies can absolutely get in the way of satisfying careers and performance. So helping curb these behaviors is key for your team and your organization.
First, help support your team members with thoughtful feedback, a willingness to listen, and support. If our tendency is not to people-please, it can be frustrating to experience, but remember, trauma responses and other learned behaviors take time to overcome. Leverage empathy and patience as much as you can offer support and accountability.
Also, invest in trauma informed workplace cultures to avoid retraumatizing survivors as part of the workplace experience. Since people-pleasing is tied to a common trauma response, but avoiding retraumatization, we can better support individuals on their journey and improve their workplace experience and that of those around them.