Self-Acceptance — The Missing Key to Your Personal Growth & Development
First and foremost- consider this article as my invitation to you to start practicing self-acceptance and building it as a skill.
It may seem odd to offer an invitation for great self-acceptance, but I recently experienced a sort of invitation to do just that and it proved quite eye-opening.
I returned to an active yoga practice after well over a decade away at the beginning of this year. This practice has been an amazing, life-changing addition to my life. I’ve been attending about 5 days a week for the last eight months. If you’ve been to a yoga class, or any other fitness class in a studio- you know there are often lots of mirrors to visually assist with form.
For these last eight months, I’ve been staying far away from those mirrors in the studio, and I skip contacts and glasses most days for class; not using the mirror to look at myself and do any adjustments to my form.
Last week, I arrived at class a bit later than usual and the only spots left were right in front of the mirrors. So, I begrudgingly took a spot in front of the mirrors. I had a decent practice, but honestly not the best because instead of using those mirrors to get better, I instead fell into self-critique and judgment. In my head, I said, no more mirrors- get to class earlier, it’s just too distracting.
The next day, before class, one of the women I practice with, Bonnie, who has been practicing for years and whom I admire approached.
“It was so lovely having you in the front row to practice with, I hope you practice up here more often.”
I responded- “I don’t know- I can see myself and it’s so distracting and hard not to see what I don’t like.”
Her response was lovely and that invitation of self-acceptance I references above. Bonnie offered — “Your mat is your safe place, and you are — you are you. Give yourself the space to be there and observe yourself to deepen your practice.”
I took her invitation. I’ve been practicing my yoga in front of the mirror for a handful of classes and while I often have to pull myself out of self-judgment; it’s been a phenomenal reminder to practice self-acceptance and compassion. It is also allowing me better visibility into my practice and ways I can improve. Without being able to look at myself in the mirror (at least without being overtaken by self-judgment), I was unable to have full self-awareness to improve my practice.
And while you may not be practicing yoga, this same concept applies to every aspect of your life. If you cannot practice self-acceptance, you are limiting your ability to be self-aware and grow into the best version of yourself. So today, let’s explore self-acceptance and how we can use it to live the greatest version of our lives.
What is Self-Acceptance
Self-acceptance is exactly what its name suggests: the state of complete acceptance of oneself. True self-acceptance is embracing who you are, without any qualifications, conditions, or exceptions.
This doesn’t mean you won’t change; we all change of course, and our self-acceptance will flex with those changes. It may be helpful to think of self-acceptance as acceptance of yourself now- as you are and acceptance of who you can become.
Self-Acceptance also includes recognizing what you will not become or what is not available to you and accepting it. It may seem challenging to let go of who you can never be, but it is also powerful. Don’t mistake this for a limiting belief, rather it is a focus on the reality of ourselves and what we can and cannot change.
For example, I am 5'4"; I will never be 5'11". Focusing on not being as tall as I want accomplishes nothing and limits me in a way that I cannot overcome and move forward. By letting go of the idea of becoming tall, I give myself space to focus on acceptance and ways I can improve, within my control.
Misconceptions of Self-Acceptance
One of the reasons we often don’t talk about self-acceptance in the workplace as much as we talk about self-awareness is because of common misconceptions of what self-acceptance looks like in action. Let’s go ahead and tackle some of these common misconceptions head-on-
Self-Acceptance means you don’t have to work on yourself.
This is the most common misconception of self-acceptance, that once you accept yourself, you don’t have anything to work on or grow. This is completely untrue. Self-Acceptance is not about achieving ‘perfection’ so there is nothing to work on. It’s not possible to attain ‘perfection’- so we cannot wait for it to practice self-acceptance.
Self-acceptance gives us the power to better understand where we are and work to improve without judgment for not being perfect. Remember- self-acceptance can include who you can become. So, progress and growth can work hand-in-hand with self-acceptance and compassion.
Self-Acceptance is lazy or will make me complacent.
Self-acceptance is not about never changing or avoiding growth; it is about removing self-judgment as a focus and acknowledging both your strengths and imperfections as what they are and moving forward. Self-acceptance helps us enhance our efforts to grow and develop because we are spending our energy on growth and what we can change versus self-judgement and dissatisfaction with what we cannot.
Self-Acceptance is Narcissistic or Selfish
You cannot be the best leader, friend, peer, parent, etc. without investing in yourself first. Period. Much like the saying ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ — you cannot bring your best self to your relationships and various roles in your life without first investing in yourself.
Self-acceptance also helps you bring an authentic, genuine version of yourself to these relationships. Self-compassion and acceptance also help you extend that compassion and acceptance more readily to others.
How Can Self-Acceptance Boost Personal Growth & Development?
We talk a lot about self-awareness as a tool for improvement and growth, especially in the workplace. And I agree that self-awareness is also important for us all, especially for leaders. However, without self-acceptance, self-awareness can only take us so far in our development. When coupled together, self-awareness and self-acceptance are one of the most powerful development combos.
Self-Acceptance supports Self-Awareness and empowers your work to be more self-aware to be more impactful in a variety of ways including-
Reducing Judgment and Denial: Self-acceptance encourages individuals to acknowledge and accept their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors without harsh self-judgment or denial. This open attitude fosters a deeper level of self-awareness, as people become more willing to explore their experiences honestly.
Exploring Motivations: Self-acceptance allows individuals to explore their motivations, desires, and values without fear of self-criticism; helping individuals understand why they make certain choices and behave in particular ways.
Authentic Self-Exploration: When people are more accepting of themselves, they are more likely to delve into their true interests, passions, and aspirations, leading to a clearer understanding of who they are and what they want from life.
Embracing and Leveraging your Greatest Strengths: Without self-acceptance, it’s often hard to see what our greatest strengths and talents are and how we can best leverage them. Think, if you had the time to focus on leveraging your strengths instead of thinking about hiding flaws, how much more impactful you could become.
Embracing Weaknesses and Opportunities: Self-acceptance involves acknowledging and embracing one’s weaknesses and opportunities for further growth; helping individuals understand areas where they may need improvement or growth.
Reducing Defensive Reactions: When individuals accept themselves, they are less likely to react defensively to feedback or criticism.
How to Practice Self-Acceptance
If you’re anything like me, self-acceptance doesn’t quite come naturally. That’s ok! Like self-awareness and other leadership skills, self-acceptance is a skill we can work on building. Think of it as learning to flex your self-acceptance and compassion muscles on a daily basis and building it into a strength.
With any practice, make sure you are making it work for you in a way that works for your lifestyle, personality and feels genuine. Here are some ideas on how to incorporate a self-acceptance practice and begin to build that muscle.
Practice Self-Forgiveness — Are you holding on to mistakes you’ve made in the past or things that you wish you could do over? Well, it’s time to let them go and move forward. Take time and forgive yourself for those things in the past that you are hanging onto. If it helps, write a letter of forgiveness to yourself.
Focus on Learning from Future Mistakes — The next time you make a mistake, instead of jumping to self-judgment, instead focus on what you can learn moving forward or what you may do differently in the future. Accept a mistake as an interesting occurrence as much as possible and move forward.
Understand Neuroplasticity — Neuroplasticity is the brain’s capacity to continue growing and evolving in response to life experiences. While some believe this is limited to children, current research shows that the brain can continue growing and changing throughout our lifespan. This means that it is possible to change dysfunctional patterns of thinking and behaving and to develop new mindsets, new memories, new skills, and new abilities.
Engage in Positive Self Talk — Instead of telling yourself what’s wrong, make a conscious effort to point out what’s good and things about yourself you are proud of. You can also rely on mantras to help tap into positivity. For example, “I am enough,” “I get better every day,” “I’m a good and caring person,” etc.
Notice when you Slide into Self-Judgement or Criticism and work to shift those thoughts to acceptance — It happens to all of us, those self-critical comments pop into our minds, especially as we are learning to grow self-acceptance. When this happens, note that self-judgment, maybe even write it down and then shift those negative thoughts to acceptance.
Practice Unconditional Acceptance of Others — When we extend unconditional acceptance to others and move away from judgment, that voice of judgment recedes in our minds. Practice not judging others as a way to help you stop judging yourself.
As we seek to build trauma informed workplace cultures, we will often focus on systems and processes that can have large impacts across organizations, but remember, individual changes and actions are just as important. As we look to create spaces where everyone can be successful, operating with self-acceptance as a priority helps foster a more psychologically safe and trusting overall environment.
Today is the perfect day to being to work on self-acceptance. It is a journey- so don’t expect it to be perfect all at once. And know that I am on the journey with you!