Unlocking Self-Compassion for Better Lives and Workplaces
Apparently, I am terrible at self-compassion.
I assumed I had room to work on my self-compassion (as most of us do), but I didn’t realize just how bad I was at this practice until this week.
During our first panel discussion of the year, on Self- Acceptance (you can access the quiz yourself here)- one of our panelists, Alestin Ajlouny shared more about moving from self-esteem to self-compassion and that Dr. Kristin Neff had some great resources on self-compassion, including quizzes.
Like any self-respecting Millennial, I’m a sucker for a quiz.
Unfortunately, the results were a little shocking and they have a significant impact on how I show up in my life, model self-acceptance, and resilience. This is no “What Sex and The City Character Are You?” quiz.
In the spirit of transparency, here are my full results from the quiz.
Self-Kindness: 2.40
Self-Judgment: 3.60
Common Humanity: 1.50
Isolation: 3.25
Mindfulness: 2.50
Over-Identification: 3.25
Overall score: 2.38
The quiz notes for scoring that the “Average overall self-compassion scores tend to be around 3.0 on the 1–5 scale, so you can interpret your overall score accordingly.
As a rough guide:
1–2.5 for your overall self-compassion score indicates you are low in self-compassion.
2.5–3.5 indicates you are moderate.
3.5–5.0 means you are high.
Remember that higher scores for the Self-Judgment, Isolation, and Over-Identification subscales indicate less self-compassion, while lower scores on these dimensions are indicative of more self-compassion (these subscales are automatically reverse-coded when your overall self-compassion score is calculated.)”
You can find the quiz here if you’d like to try it yourself!
Listen, I’m not happy to see these scores, nor am I particularly excited to share them. But I believe that we can be vulnerable with our opportunities and weaknesses, we can do a lot to help others who may be facing these challenges as well.
So here I am, with a low self-compassion score, leading an organization focused on trauma informed workplaces and encouraging self-acceptance and empathy. It’s only appropriate to do something about this low score. So let's get to it!
But first, let’s level set on what self-compassion is and is not!
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is a concept developed by psychologist Kristin Neff, and it involves treating oneself with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult times or when facing personal failures.
Self-Compassion consists of three main components:
Self-Kindness: Being understanding and gentle with yourself rather than harshly self-critical. Instead of berating yourself for mistakes, self-compassion encourages a nurturing and supportive attitude.
Common Humanity: Recognizing that suffering and challenges are part of the shared human experience. Understanding that everyone makes mistakes and faces difficulties helps individuals realize they are not alone in their struggles.
Mindfulness: Being aware of your thoughts and feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them. Mindfulness allows us to observe our emotions with a balanced perspective, fostering a greater sense of emotional resilience.
At its heart, self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same warmth and care that you would offer to a friend in times of need. It is considered a healthier and more constructive approach to dealing with setbacks or personal shortcomings than self-criticism.
Keep in mind, that self-compassion is not about self-pity, self-indulgence, or even self-esteem. We often think a lot about our own and other’s self-esteem, but it is important to look at the differences between self-esteem and self-compassion as we explore this journey.
Self-esteem is tied to our sense of self-worth and often involves comparing ourselves to others, it can lead to issues such as narcissism and aggression. The pursuit of high self-esteem may result in ignoring or distorting personal shortcomings and is contingent on external circumstances.
In contrast, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations or comparisons. It involves treating oneself with kindness and understanding, acknowledging that all humans deserve compassion. Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion doesn’t require feeling better than others. It promotes self-clarity, as personal failings can be acknowledged with kindness, and it remains available regardless of external circumstances.
Research suggests that self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, accurate self-concepts, caring relationship behavior, and less narcissism and reactive anger compared to self-esteem.
As we consider creating more trauma informed workplaces, shifting our focus from improving self-esteem to self-compassion would be transformational.
How can We Improve Our Self-Compassion?
It’s clear I need to work on my self-compassion and what’s great is we can absolutely build our self-compassion muscles over time. The key is to understand what we need to work on and have the patience to build the habit.
Dr. Neff shares on practicing self-compassion:
As we look to build our self-compassion, here are some practical steps you can take:
Mindfulness Practice:
Engage in mindfulness meditation to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment.
Practice mindfulness exercises to stay present in the moment and avoid getting lost in self-critical thoughts.
Challenge Negative Thoughts:
Identify and challenge negative or self-critical thoughts. Ask yourself if you would speak to a friend in the same way, and reframe those thoughts with a more compassionate perspective.
Self-Kindness:
Treat yourself with the same kindness and care that you would offer to a friend. When facing challenges, be understanding rather than overly critical.
Common Humanity:
Recognize that everyone experiences difficulties and makes mistakes. Understand that you are not alone in facing challenges, and these experiences are part of the shared human condition.
Take a moment to acknowledge your suffering, remind yourself that it’s a common human experience, and offer yourself words of kindness and support. This simple exercise can be done in challenging situations.
Practice Self-Care:
Prioritize self-care activities that bring you joy and relaxation. This could include activities like exercise, spending time in nature, reading, or practicing hobbies.
Seek Support:
Talk to friends, family, or a mental health professional about your struggles. Sharing your feelings with others can provide a sense of connection and support.
Learn from Mistakes:
View mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning rather than as personal failures. Embrace a growth mindset and understand that making errors is a natural part of the learning process.
Cultivate Gratitude:
Regularly reflect on and appreciate the positive aspects of your life. Cultivating gratitude can shift your focus away from negative self-talk.
Consistent practice of these strategies can contribute to a more compassionate and positive relationship with yourself over time. And like many practices like empathy, self-acceptance, etc.- these are practices that we must continue to exercise and revisit throughout our lives.
Dr. Neff also provides some amazing resources on her site for practicing and building your self-compassion practice here.
Although I’m not thrilled to realize my low self-compassion, I’m grateful to have a better understanding of myself and the tools to work to a better place of self-compassion and understanding. I hope you also feel called to incorporate some of the practices into your life as well.